


(Reylo) Monsters

by winter_dreaming



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), M/M, Reylo - Freeform, makeovermakeover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-02-28 20:58:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13279758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winter_dreaming/pseuds/winter_dreaming
Summary: One month after the showdown on Crait, Kylo Ren copes with the loss of his mentor, Supreme Leader Snoke and Rey's perceived rejection of him.  Explicitly references scenes from TFA and TLJ.It's essentially Reylo for the first 7 chapters, then chapter 8 weaves in Rey, Finn, Poe, Leia and the Resistance after TLJ.This is turning out much longer than I thought -- probably more like 15-20 chapters, but need some more time to write and post those. Thanks for reading and I definitely welcome comments/critiques since this was my first fic and I still don't know what the hell I'm doing :)*** at the end is my way of saying I'm still writing this chapter.





	1. Her dark reflection

Monsters shouldn't have to sleep. 

And yet. 

The Supreme Leader sat on the edge of his simple bed with his head in hands as he waited for exhaustion to overcome him. He pressed his palms hard against his eyes, willing the pinpricks of light to drown out the flashes of memory from the salt plains. It made thirty-one days since his defeat. His humiliation. His loss. Where he…when she… 

He swore and stood up, his hands balled into fists. He stalked over to the entryway to his quarters – the same place he lived when he was Snoke's pet magician, his bloodline freak, his rabid dog. The gray walls were lined with fist holes, thirty-one to be exact. It was sparsely furnished – space for his clothing and light saber, a desk and nothing more. Like its owner, the room invited neither guests, nor conversation. Hux had shown him the supreme leader's chambers with barely disguised glee at their opulence. Easily twenty times the size of Kylo's rooms, Ren instantly felt smothered by their expansiveness and flatly rejected Hux's proposal to be a Supreme Leader surrounded by deep red drapings, luxurious silks, and rich foods. He was not Snoke. He didn't want any of that lavish nonsense. 

Hux was displeased of course, alternating between sniveling and strident as always. He never forgave Ren for the gift of his name, his blood, for being chosen for Jedi training. Hux had worked his way up from the rank and file of the empire, though he labored to mask it with vague allusions to an illustrious family, grandiose accent, and preening affectations. Hux had come from nothing, just like… Like the girl. A girl from nowhere and borne to nobody. He'd offered her the stars and she chose to grub around in the dirt like the garbage she scavenged. 

Thirty-two holes now. 

He stripped off his glove to examine his hand in the dim light – his knuckles weren't even red and the cold air felt welcome on his skin. He felt feverish and more trapped with each day he spent in the Supreme Leader's throne room. Despite his failure against Skywalker, he had consolidated his power easily – he killed all who'd seen his defeat on Crait and Hux had sworn his allegiance and silence to cover up own humiliation at Ren's hands. Ren needed to find her – them. The Resistance. He needed to destroy them once and for all. He had to. 

The air raised gooseflesh on his bare arm and he replaced his glove. After Rey's unexpected appearance in his chamber, he felt the urge to be clothed at all times, though he couldn't bring himself to commission a new mask. Recalling Snoke's jeers brought a blush of shame to his pale face, although he knew he still needed the protection it offered in the same way he needed his gloves and cloak – to see and not be seen, to touch and not be touched. It offered some protection from the Force as well, distancing himself from the world. His grandfather had understood that. 

Ren's chamber was purposefully as far from the rest of the base as possible –he loathed sensing the Force connecting each member of the imperial troops, hated understanding the thing that bound them all together. Without Snoke, Ren had no one left, no one who saw the conflict within him, no one who understood. He knew Snoke never liked him, but fresh from Skywalker's betrayal, his attempted murder at the hands of a man he thought had loved him, the man he'd idolized since birth, Ren had left thoughts of love behind and sought only shelter and purpose. Snoke gave him that and had taken him in despite his tainted bloodline. And Ren had paid him back by striking him down for the sake of a girl he barely knew. He was truly alone. 

He laid back down on the bed, curled onto his side, and waited for sleep to claim him. Suddenly, she was there. He felt the air in his room change, felt the warmth and the light she carried inside her suffuse his sterile quarters. She slept on her side, dressed in robes similar to what he'd seen her in last, with her staff alongside her. Endlessly practical. Should she need to meet with her soldiers or fight for her life in the middle of the night, she'd be prepared. He admired that. His mother had been the same way when he was young – a woman with a lullaby on her lips and a blaster under her pillow. 

Old habits die hard – he also kept his light saber next to him as he slept, or lately, as he struggled to sleep. He rested his hand on the hilt, trying to understand if the strange feeling in his chest was coming from the idea he might be able to kill her in this vision state or from the peculiar sensation of lying beside her. Her dark reflection. Or was she his light one? 

He looked carefully at the curve of her hip, at the muscle in her arm and the soft curl of her hand underneath her chin. He peered into the darkness behind her, trying to see if there was a figure by her side, but only she was visible in the shadows of his vision. She was the brightest thing he'd ever seen- he noticed it when he saw her in the forest outside Kanata's decrepit bar and it blazed at him when he tried to interrogate her. When they fought near Starkiller base, he thought she might consume him; when their hands touched, he was certain of it. His heart leaped to the swirling fight against the praetorian guards and his offer, rejected…oh yes, it hurt to look at her, but he drank in her body and brightness all the same.


	2. You gave me up

"You shouldn't stare at people, you know," she said, without opening her eyes.  


He startled out of bed, feeling guilty, but unable to take his eyes from her. "You shouldn't appear in peoples' bedrooms without their permission," he retorted.  


"I think I do have your permission, Ben." She opened her eyes and looked at him with kindness. Familiar hate replaced the new pain in his chest and he called his lightsaber to his hand before he knew what he was doing.  


"Don't you ever call me that again, you traitor," he snarled.  


"Why am I a traitor?" she asked quietly, looking up at him, never taking her eyes from his.  


"Why?!"  


"Say it," she said, her voice like ice. She rolled over on her bed to look up at him. "Go on, say it." She threw his own words back at him, trying to get him to speak unpleasant truths.  


He was smarter than that – he vowed he would not be weak again in front of her. The upper hand her parentage had provided was gone- she was more confident now, he could see it in the way she held herself, the way she looked at him…he couldn't place the look on her face now.  
Before, he'd taken refuge in silence knowing how driven she was by the need for answers. He could just watch her blaze and steer her towards needing him, towards joining him, towards bringing Skywalker to him. Now, he felt that speaking with her was a contest where every word from her mouth might be a killing blow and he was sorely unprepared - as uncertain and untrained as he'd been when he first set foot in the Skywalker's temple.  


He had no peers to speak with – Hux was as close as it came and what use was that fool? Ren had those he commanded and the few he obeyed – he spoke as they did – all curt directives, sweeping proclamations, and lofty speeches. But a conversation as equals? He couldn't see a way to win such a strange thing. So, he held his tongue and moved into a striking stance. If they could touch each other through this link, they could hurt one another. Had already hurt one another. He would end her. End this torment.  


She watched him carefully, his red cross reflected in her hazel eyes. He raised the light saber overhead and she stood up to face him, wincing sharply in the process. The pained look on her face, momentary though it was, took him back to Snoke and the choice he'd made. The strength he'd found when she was being tortured. The certainty in his otherwise unreliable heart. His stance deflated and his shoulders sagged in exhaustion. All his posturing, undone by her pain. He sheathed the light saber and sat back down on the side of the bed.  


"What's wrong with you?" he asked.  


"Nothing."  


"You're hurt," he guessed.  


"What do you care? I'm a traitor, remember?" She raised an eyebrow.  


He flinched. "I spoke incorrectly. You're not a traitor. You just betrayed me," he spat.  


"I didn't betray you, Ben. I'm too busy fighting _for _you to betray you."  
__

____

"Fighting for me," he stated flatly.  


"How long's it been since you slept?" She peered at him and moved her hand closer to his, but didn't seek to touch him.  


"Did you really come here to ask asinine questions? You expect me to give you information for your resistance scum-friends?" He rolled over again, galled by her behavior, and the effect she still had on him.  


"I'm not here for information. I'm here for you," she said quietly. "I told you that you'd never be alone again. I meant it."  


"You liar! You LEFT me," he whispered fiercely.  


"You gave _me _up," she countered. "You chose not to come with me, remember?"  
__

____

"I had to become who I am," he said.  


"And who is that? Judging by what I've felt over the past month, it's someone who's filled to the brink with anger and sadness. When you rage, Ben, I feel like destroying things. When you grieve, I feel like crying. It doesn't seem quite fair to me. You're giving me quite the moody reputation in the resistance," she finished lightly, seemingly unaware that his head was spinning with the revelation that the link to her had been open this whole time.  


"I never meant to reach out to you," he murmured.  


"I think you did. We fought well together, Ben."  


His mind flashed to the memory of their fight against the praetorian guards. He'd never felt so connected to another person before – every movement of theirs was a dance of death and she was his equal partner. He relished her touch and her trust in those moments, despite the danger.  


"You're a good fighter," he admitted.  


" _We _fought well together," she repeated.  
__

_**_****_ ** _

He looked at her sullenly. "We fought well together," he grudgingly acknowledged.  


_**_****_ ** _

She moved her hand closer still. "We're bound together in ways I don't understand, but I am so grateful for it. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm alone without you. There's so much I don't understand about all this, about the Force, about you."  


_**_****_ ** _

"I learned everything I ever needed to know about Jedi from Skywalker," he sneered. "I learned everything about the Force from Supr…from Snoke. And you're right," he paused to deliver the verbal blow, "you _do _sound pathetic."__

_**_****_ ** _


	3. Taking whatever you want

She winced and took a small breath to steady herself as tears appeared in her eyes.

"You're so much more like Luke than you know. So afraid of the world, afraid of yourself. You think that if you control everything that makes you doubt, you destroy every person who makes you feel, who calls you to the light that you'll be free. Ben," she said gesturing around the room, "this empire is _your _island. Instead of learning from the past you just…run away from it. Just like Luke did. You say you want to kill the past…how can you possibly kill something that you never face?"__

____

He froze, trying to keep her words from echoing in his mind and he reached for anything that would wipe that look of compassion, of care off her face. "I killed Solo, remember?" 

____

Tears spilled down her cheeks. "I remember." 

____

"Then you know that I'm making a good start." 

____

A sob wretched itself out of her chest and she doubled over in pain. 

____

He was on his feet moving toward her before he realized it. "You _are _hurt."__

____

____

____

She waved him off with one hand and clutched her side with the other. But she made no effort to hide her tears. 

____

____

____

"Show me," he commanded. 

____

____

____

"Why?" she whispered. "If you're so intent on killing everything that makes you feel, what does it matter to you if I'm wounded?" 

____

____

____

He had an answer ready this time. "It will give me the advantage I need when I come to destroy you and your pitiful, scattered resistance. You're the only fighter aside from Skywalker who can match me." 

____

____

____

He squatted on his heels just inside her outstretched legs, watching redness bloom under her hand, and studied her robes. "Take them off." 

____

____

____

"I'll pass," she laughed weakly. 

____

____

____

"I told you that I could take whatever I want," he warned, reaching for her. 

____

____

____

Her eyes grew cold again. "You know, I do remember that. It was right before you forced yourself into my mind, wasn't it? And had to leave without your precious map anyway." 

____

____

____

His hands faltered. "You were strong. I wouldn't have been able to…" 

____

____

____

"Just because I fought you off doesn't make that violence right." 

____

____

____

He looked up at her. "Like this?" he asked, tilting his scarred face toward her. He was so close to her, he could feel the heat from her skin, from her fever, and didn't know how she could be so warm, so filled with light and stay alive. 

____

____

____

She flinched and her newfound confidence abruptly dropped away as sadness crept into her eyes. And a small bitter part of him liked this change. He was just about to press the advantage and slide her robes off her shoulder when she cupped his face. His scarred face. What good was all his power when she could freeze him with just a touch from her strong, worn hands? She was so close to him now, he felt like when she breathed in, he breathed out and he was afraid. Of course it was fear – he told himself, why else would he be trembling? 

____

____

____

"Does it hurt?" She asked, her thumb lightly tracing the scar's path down his face. 

____

____

____

_**It hurts me all the time. It's agony to be reminded of you when I look in the mirror, reminded that Solo forgave me with his last breath and you've burned his handprint into my face forever. It hurts that I wouldn't have been able to stop you. It breaks me that I thought I would die in the snow and for the first time years, I didn't want to.** _

____

____

____

"Why would it?" he smirked. 

____

____

____


	4. Please

He expected her to withdraw in pain; he wanted her to. But she merely nodded as if she had expected his response. She dropped her left hand a little, followed the scar down his cheek with her fingers, pausing before she gently stroked the top of his lip with her thumb. 

He had murdered hundreds, worked to murder millions – he had helped destroy entire civilizations at Snoke's command, his whims, he had chosen these things and thought no more about them than the occasional Force-sense of grief from his mother. And yet, Rey's tenderness had unmade him. Still on his knees, he threw his arms around her waist and pulled her tight against his chest, his mouth hungry for hers, shivering when she put her arms around him and matched his need with her own, pressing her body against his, fitting perfectly into him. 

Suddenly, she cried out and her eyes were wet with pain. He looked down and saw that her bandage was almost entirely soaked with blood, one of his hands was red with it where he'd grabbed in his eagerness. 

"Show me?" he asked. "Please," he murmured and she obliged. She shivered a little, then unwound the outer layer of her robe. He could access the wound without her removing more and he couldn't say if he was grateful for that or cursing it with every racing heartbeat, but he got up anyway and went to his small washroom. He looked around helplessly at the lack of medical supplies, but he couldn't exactly call a medical droid to his quarters. Even if he killed it afterwards, the data would be sent as soon as it was gathered. Maybe he could say it had malfunctioned? 

He turned over several different possibilities in his mind, each one seemingly more risky than the next. He looked back out at her, reclining on a bed he couldn't see with her hand pressed against her side and settled on some clean cloths. He knelt before her again and peeled the bandage away from her skin, hyper aware of her every stifled wince. It wasn't nearly as bad as he feared – clearly she'd been grazed by a blaster, but the wound was clean of infection. Painful, but not fatal. It couldn’t be. 

She looked up at him, her eyes luminous in the dim light. "So will I live?" she joked. 

"Don't say things like that," he chided as he decided on which cloth to use against her side. 

"I got off lucky, actually." 

As he cleaned some of the blood away - to his immense relief the blood flow had slowed – he caught glimpses of the fight in her mind. She had been covering for…that traitor Stormtrooper. Her fear for him almost overwhelmed her, fear and… 

"Would you have killed me in that forest?" he asked. 

She went pale, the blush fading from her cheeks and her kiss-swollen lips. "Yes. You would have killed me if I hadn't escaped, wouldn't you?" 

"No," he pronounced simply. He smoothed the cloth on her stomach. 

"Why not?" she demanded. "I've spoken with Poe, I know what you did to him, what you had done to him to get what you wanted!" 

"You are not him." He smoothed the cloth again, a completely unnecessary gesture at this point, but wanting to maintain contact with her body. Their kiss was so fragile against her anger and his jealous confusion. 

"Thanks for that." 

"I mean that I've never met anyone like you before. Anyone like me." 

"You think that now, but then? If your Snoke had commanded you to murder me then, you truly believe you would have resisted?" 

He pointedly ignored the question, sensing that she might be right. "And yet you fully agree that you would have murdered me, with no interference from anyone." 

"Yes. After…after what you did to…and then when you attacked us in the forest. I wasn't going to let you hurt him again," she finished defiantly. 

_"Him _. FN2187 is a lucky man," he hissed, getting up from her again.__

__"Who?" she asked, bewildered._ _

__"FN21..." He reached out to her memories of the most recent fight, the name she'd screamed as she'd covered for the other figure, "Finn."_ _

__"Oh, well he might not agree with you. Every time he and I fight together, I get a scratch," she gestured at the cloth, "and he ends up unconscious," she smiled a bit at some memory._ _

__"You must love him very much," he said, each word falling like a stone from his mouth as the rage rose in him. He didn't know what that kiss was, a momentary weakness, a pain-induced diversion, a strategy to weaken him…his mind seized on the last. Of course -_ _

__"Of course," she said, surprising him with her unintended echo of his thoughts. "He's the first friend I ever had."_ _

__"A friend?"_ _

__"Yeah, a friend," she said, impatience melting into shyness. "You don't think I kiss everyone I fight alongside, do you?"_ _

__He looked away at her mention of their kiss, trying to guard himself against the memory of it…against something he couldn't name, something he only dimly understood._ _

__"Do you?" she repeated softly. He knelt before her again, lost in the wary hope growing in his chest and the liquid shine in her eyes. He reached out for her again and promptly placed his hand directly on her injured side. He swore in frustration but his eyes lit upon his thick belt, casually thrown on the room's desk. Perfect._ _

__He wound it around her, cinching it as carefully as possible and looked back to study his handiwork. The belt absurdly covered her entire stomach but it would hold._ _

___**"Black suits you."** _ _ _


	5. Armor

She looked down at his hand, still resting delicately on her side and he abruptly stood up, jerking away from her as if burned. 

"That should protect the wound," he said and startled when she squeezed his hand. 

"Thank you, Ben." She twisted a bit, testing her flexibility while he was rendered speechless by the sweetest three words he'd ever heard. _Thank you, Ben _. His hand felt absurdly empty now that she was no longer touching it.__

____

"It's like armor!" she marveled as she probed the stiff leather. "So much of you is armor," she murmured. 

_**Thank you, Ben.**_

____

"What are you protecting yourself from?"  


"Seduction," he said, not trusting himself to say more. The light side, the tendrils of change snaking their way into his blood.  


She raised an eyebrow. "How's that working out for you?"  


"Terribly," he deadpanned and basked in the broad grin that spread across her face, feeling the beginnings of his smile on his own. She saw it and laughed in delighted surprise and returned her hand to his. Smiling, laughter, touch – dusty artifacts from his past. Love? His mind wondered.  


"Why did you kiss me?" he blurted.  


"Much like our betrayal, I'm not sure we're ever going to be able to sort out who did what to whom."  


"Why did you do it?" he repeated.  


"Because I wanted to." She stepped against him and rested her head on his chest. "I wanted to," she said as his arms folded around her again. "I want you," she murmured, "I want you to come with me."  


He was amazed by the way her body fit against his, her heartbeat twinning his, her head tucked neatly below his chin, how small she was, yet how strong. He could feel the Force thrumming through her, reverberating into him, setting every nerve alight.  


Suddenly his head was filled with visions of her naked before him, stroking him, moaning at his touch as he thrust into her again and again. He saw her riding him, her breasts slick with sweat, her head tossed back in pleasure. He saw himself flicking her nipples into hardness with his tongue, he was buried in her flesh, claiming each part of her body with his mouth, his fingers. But there was more. He saw himself waking her with a kiss on the small knife scar on her right cheek and felt her curl languidly against him. He saw a boy with curly black hair playing in the dirt. He saw himself helping a gap-toothed girl with determined hazel eyes onto a speeder. He saw his mother. He saw the first order destroyed, his calling and infamy gone.  


He staggered back, breaking the connection between them and trying to calm his racing heart. Could he just toss his plans aside for a woman he'd just met and start again?  


**Could it be so simple? _He'd be… strongforgottenlovedweakfathernoonesonlosthusbandforgivenfailedhome ___** _ _.__  


And everything in him, in the boy Skywalker had made and the man Snoke had helped him become recoiled from those visions in fear and disgust.  
He'd be just like his father. Enticed by his mother's stalwart morals into the fight against the dark side.  


__"Ben?"  
_ _

__"Stay away from me," he gasped.  
_ _

__"What is it? What's wrong?"  
_ _

__"You put that filth in my head!"  
_ _

__"What filth? I shared the vision, Ben, I saw pleasure, family," she paused, "and…love."  
_ _

__He finally caught his breath enough to look at her – her cheeks were rosy; she'd been affected as well. If he were to survive this as himself, as the man he'd chosen to become, he couldn't risk looking at her for long. He'd have to close the link between them, he'd have to drive her away. He knew now he could never kill her, but he could make her hate him. He could make her close their bond, flood it with her hate. Dying as Kylo Ren would be preferable than living as Ben Solo, otherwise his adult life had been…for nothing. Everything he'd sacrificed, everyone he'd killed, all of his power, for nothing. He couldn't tolerate such a world.__  


_**I will not become my father** _, he thought and steeled himself for what he was about to do.  
__

___**I am so sorry, Rey.** _  
_ _ _ _


	6. Fear

"What could orphaned trash from Jakku possibly know about any of those things?" he said with deliberate cruelty. He looked her up and down lasciviously. "Did you really think your body would be enough to tempt me? It's not half-bad of course, if you like that sort of thing. Although I'd prefer something that most of the denizens of an impoverished junker planet haven't already had."

Rey froze as he went for the killing blow. 

"Did you really think that you're actually worthy of love? And that someone like me could ever love someone like you?" He prepared for her hurt, her tears, her rage. He was completely unprepared for the peal of laughter that erupted from her. 

"Ben," she said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye as she hiccupped laughter, "I know I am. And you already do." 

"Rey-" 

"Let me guess," she offered. "You thought that you'd be able to drive me away – that you'd make me hate you with that little display. Your grand gesture, your moment of devastation." 

"Stop it." 

"You've been ruled by those gestures, those moments. Because they feel like certainty. You were so afraid of the dark side that you joined it, so you would never have to be afraid of failing ever again." 

He pulled his light saber to him, breathing heavily. "I told you to stop," he gasped. 

"And Luke never understood that. He was too consumed by his own fear to understand yours." 

"I command your silence!" he shouted, but she inexorably continued, each sentence more painful than the last. She walked up to him, ignoring the heat from the light saber in his hand, and gently caressed his cheek. 

"Ben, he taught you that a sliver of doubt makes you a potential Sith, that any anger makes you unfit. He taught you to fear yourself and to be ashamed of yourself. **And he was wrong**. He was a great Jedi, but a terrible teacher. Everyone wavers. Everyone doubts and fails. Everyone is light and dark. Life, Ben, life is the struggle between them." 

"You called yourself 'Kylo Ren,' " she enunciated his name carefully. "Although no one calls you 'Kylo,' do they? They call you 'Ren.' Sounds an awful lot like 'Ben' to me." 

"Stop it." He clumsily wiped his eyes and backed away from her. 

She stepped forward again. "In the foundation of your new life in the First Order, your second chance, your new beginning…you put the skeleton of your true name. The dark side or the light isn't about your mistakes or who your master was or the blood running through your veins. It's about what you want for the universe. Light or dark. _You _. What you want. I haven't given up on you. And neither has General Organa. Ben, she loves two men in the entire galaxy – you killed one of them and you _are _the other. Come home to her. Come with me. You have people who love you."____

___"Home? Monsters don't have homes. They have lairs. And you're in mine."_ _ _


	7. After

"Then kill me and be done with it," she said, tipping her chin up in a challenge.

He held the light saber a breath away from her cheek, spitting its red fire near her unprotected neck. She didn't move. 

"Fight me," he growled. 

"No." 

"FIGHT ME!" he shouted, not caring who might hear him. 

"Fine," she assented suddenly, calling her light saber to hand. 

"What?" he asked, momentarily shocked out of his anger. 

"I'll fight you on one condition," she said. 

"Name it," he ordered though his heart sank at the sight of the unfamiliar hilt. So, Vader's was truly gone then. Rey must have completed her training regardless. 

"That you explain to me what the First Order will do, what you will do as its leader, with the galaxy." 

He raised the saber again, moving into a striking stance, "We will hunt down every shred of the resistance-" 

"And what then?" she interrupted, her arm still holding her stomach. 

"What?" The saber dipped in his confusion. 

"And. What. Then?" She spoke slowly, as if to a child and it rankled him. 

"Then the resistance will be obliterated from the galaxy and the Empire will rule forever with no hope of the return –" 

She waved his words away, dismissing him, "yes, yes, you've said all that before." 

He felt lost again and cursed himself for speaking with her. 

"Once you wipe us all out and the Empire's control is unquestioned…what then? Do you actually believe the Force disappears when the Jedi do?" 

"After…" 

"Yes," she smiled brightly through her pain, "after we're all dead and you're controlling the galaxy. After the war. You said you wanted me to join you, to bring order…what type of order are you planning? Aside from a galaxy without the resistance, what type of Empire will you rule? What tangibly do you want as Supreme Leader?" She paused and cocked her head. "Or don't you know?" 

He trembled in front of her, unable to stop listening, unable to stop waiting for Snoke's reassurances hissing in his mind. 

"What could garbage like you know about ruling?" he said, swallowing hard. 

"Apparently much more than the person who's _actually _supposed to be doing it. You have a secret, Ben. Do you know what it is?"__

__"Be silent, scavenger- "_ _

__She continued. "Your secret is that you don't actually want to rule, let alone rule an empire. You just want a world that you can control, where you never feel afraid again."_ _

__"Stop it," he commanded, his voice trembling._ _

__"Where you never have to have hope ever again. You've slaughtered how many people, helped destroy entire planets all because a boy's trust and faith was destroyed by a man he loved. Luke did betray you, he wronged you. But instead of facing that, of facing a world and a family where that could happen, you decided that you had to kill the world and that family instead. Because you were afraid of being hurt again." She cocked her head at him. "Because you _are _afraid, even now."___ _

___"I told you to mind your tongue!" His voice quavered and he hated the sound of it._ _ _

___She looked more closely at him. "I thought you were afraid of not being as strong as Vader…but that's not it anymore, is it? You already know that you're not as strong as he was."_ _ _

___"Please, Rey," he begged._ _ _

___"You're stronger."_ _ _

___He just looked at her, stunned, his eyes wet. "Ben, you're terrified right now and you are still stronger than Vader ever was, a stronger will. You want a world without pain…but you could have so much more. A world with hope and joy." She closed her eyes and sent him the image of the curly-haired boy from their shared vision._ _ _

___He shook his head, trying to discard the memory. He breathed deep and sent her a vision in return._ _ _

____**Broken speeder on a desolate desert landscape. A child's delicate hand, twitching then still. Hazel eyes, now sightless and dull. __**__ _ _

___"Yes," she said. "The world has loss in it. That could happen," she admitted. "We all die. The people we love can die before their time. They can die badly or leave you…" she trailed off and shrugged. "That's part of life." She reached for him, placing her hand on his chest to quiet his panicked breathing. She was steady while he flickered, her breathing slow and deep. "You could join the resistance, fight alongside me and we might leave each other anyway. One of us might die or decide…"_ _ _

___"No," he said. He shook his head. "You can't leave me again."_ _ _

___"Can't?" she marveled._ _ _

___"I won't let you."_ _ _

___"And… you just made it worse," she joked. " _Let _me," she repeated in wonder.___ _ _

___"Please," he said. "Stay with me. I'll give you our coordinates, I'll meet you anywhere, just come back," the words tumbled out his mouth without a thought._ _ _

___"Ben, if you don't have hope, you'll always be alone. Even if I'm with you."It's life, Ben," she continued. "I didn't understand that on Jakku. I thought…I thought that loss meant that life was over. Or it couldn't begin, I'm not sure. I just thought about survival. I loved my parents and I hated them, too. They laughed when they sold me, did you see that in my memory, they laughed. And I was so scared of them but they were all I knew. They were all I had. And I was so afraid to lose again that I never wanted to get close to anyone again, be part of anything because I thought that love's betrayal was worse than its absence. So, I hid. Like you. And I was wrong. Behind your robes and your mask and this place so that you don't have to hope, you're wrong too. And you know it, you want to be open to-"_ _ _

___"Weak," he interrupted. "To be vulnerable."_ _ _

___"Yes," she said, suddenly exhausted by the weight of her passion, of the changes that she'd gone through over the past months. "Years of hiding and being afraid. Years of being so careful, so measured, so afraid to be seen. I am vulnerable now. I am with you. Because I choose hope, I choose the reckless vulnerability that comes with it. Because they are my friends, my family, my resistance. My choice."_ _ _

___"So, when you finally choose something…you choose the losing side?" he sneered._ _ _

___"It's not winning or losing, I told you that. It's about what we want for the galaxy."_ _ _

___"And you want…"_ _ _

___She threw her hands up in the air. "Oh, for the love of-" she began and pressed her mouth to his, feeling his surprise melt into hunger as his strong arms eagerly snaked around her._ _ _

___"This is what I want," she breathed when they broke away. "The chance to have this light is worth everything."_ _ _

___"There's no place for me in the light," he murmured._ _ _

___"There's no place for your ego," she gently corrected. "You will have to face the judgment of the people you've hurt, their pain. And their forgiveness if they choose to offer it." She sent him another vision: **Leia looking up at him with a small smile, reaching out for him.** ___

___He sent her one back: **On his knees, gagged in front of tribunal, head hung low while General Organa pronounces his punishment as Rey uses the Force to restrain him.** _ _ _

___**People on other planets reaching out to him, to touch his dark clothes in wonder as the last Stormtrooper falls.** _ _ _

___**Rey, cloaked in black, a red light saber spitting in her hands, and a fearsome grin.** _ _ _

___"You always seek certainty," Rey chided gently. **A sunrise against a milky winter sky. Cold, but invigorating.**_ _ _

Balance. 

She looked to her side sharply and the vision disappeared. He could feel the tension vibrate through her body, looking behind her at things he couldn't see. 

"Rey, what is it?" 

She put up her hand to quiet him and raised the light saber again. 

"Ben, listen. There's not much time. I have to go." 

"Rey, what's happening?" he tried in vain to see what was behind her, to think of any First Order deployments that could be threatening her location, and came up with nothing. 

"There's no time." She cupped his scarred face again and kissed him, with even more tenderness than before. She placed a kiss on each one of his cheeks, and he realized she was kissing his tears away. Suddenly, she grinned. 

"But there is hope. And I _will _see you again." She ran forward, away from him, and their connection was severed.__


	8. All Hail the Supreme Leader

"No, no, no!" he shouted, swinging the light saber around wildly. No change. The wall where she'd been was simply a wall again, if with more glowing scorch marks. He breathed deeply, trying to steady himself and reestablish the link. It was useless- there was nothing left of the feeling of her warmth, her lightness, herself that had suffused the room. Nothing but the feel of her lips and the sound of blaster fire. He looked down at himself and laughed humorlessly. His belt was still gone. At least he had given her that small protection. He felt whispers in his mind, not Snoke, of course, but alien nonetheless. 

_Find her_  
_She's in danger- she's dying_  
_go after her-if you love her- go after her_

He wanted to go after Hux, find him wherever he was, force him to share any deployment maps, most likely throwing him around the room in the process. His body thrummed with that desire. But then Hux would know…could guess what he might only suspect…that Rey was more than a scavenger to him and that they'd killed Snoke together. And if Hux knew that Ren had something precious, he would try to control, if not kill whatever that thing was. Whoever it was. 

He ignited his saber again. "I will die before letting that happen," he murmured. He had to be smart about this. Not smart, he didn't deceive himself, he was already smart. Now, he had to be calculating. And patient. Unlike Hux, he was not naturally inclined to complicated cabals, intricate conspiracies, and phased plans – he acted on instinct, the violence of the moment carrying him through. Through the destruction of the temple, the extermination of the Republic, killing every Resistance fighter he found and every murder in between. He felt the machinations, the intent of those around him and killed people when it was necessary, keeping the rest in line with fear. It made him reactive, always on the defensive, always fulfilling someone else's orders. He did not plot. 

"Are you the master of your gifts? Or do they master you?" Snoke and Luke's voices intertwined and memories of the temple flooded in, memories of Snoke's former ship, memories of worshipping Luke, of wanting to be him. The Jedi temple was to worship at Luke's feet. Wanting to be him so badly because that way, Solo would…and Leia could… 

"I am my own master," he said aloud. __

_Time to plot._

He exited his room and flagged down the closest member of his guard, trying to recall the name Hux had thrown around with such relish. 

"Have…Mistress Caru sent to my quarters." 

"Uh…Caru Senta, sir?" 

"Do you know of any other?" he asked icily. 

"No, sir. Right away." The guard hurriedly about-faced and made as if to go when Ren stopped her. 

"You'll refer to me as Supreme Leader from now on." 

"Yes, sir!" 

Ren returned to his room, thinking about the broken shards of his mask, the sound Snoke's body made when it fell, and discontentedly fingered his coarse black shirt. Snoke's gauzy robe would look absurd on him but the color might…the color could work. 

"Caru Senta is here S- Supreme Leader," the guard managed. 

"Thank you…what's your name, again?" 

"Ikkita Walis, Supreme Leader," the guard said. 

"Thank you, Walis." 

"Uhhh…you're welcome, Supreme Leader. My pleasure." She seemed cautiously pleased by the mention and snapped to a brighter salute as the door closed behind Ren and Senta. 

"I am a king maker, an empire-builder, and above all, a secret keeper," the brightly colored figure pronounced with a grand curtesy. __

_Now, I know why Hux loves her,_ he thought sourly. 

"Yes, very good. I…I wanted to…" 

"You asked for me, Supreme Leader?" 

"Yes, as Supreme Leader I've…I should…" 

"Look the part?" she suggested. 

"Yes," he said relieved. 

Dramatic flourishes put aside, she began to circle him, sizing him up. "Mask or no?" 

"No." 

She tutted. "That's too bad. It is by far the most recognizable part of you. Aside from that of course," she said gesturing to his light saber hilt. "May I see it?" He could find no reason not to, aside from Walis's concern once she heard the sound of his weapon, so he ignited the saber for a moment. 

"Supreme Leader?" Walis called from outside the door. 

"Everything's fine," he replied. "No mask," he repeated to Senta. 

"Oh, well. Something grander in black, then? Hmmm…that saber could be -" 

"No, I mean, I thought maybe with some gold or silver or…" 

"Your current attire- has thin golden stripes, yes? Or are they silver? Give it to me," she commanded. 

He walked to the room's small closet, pulled out his spare and tossed it at her. "You designed Snoke's robes, didn't you?" 

"Oh yes, I've designed for all your imperial predecessors. Such glorious cloaks, I made for them." She sighed, lost in reverie. "And now for the First Order, of course," she added seemingly as an afterthought. 

"Incorporate more gold," he decided. "Do what you can with this," he gestured to his face. 

"You got that fighting a Jedi, didn't you?" 

"Yes." _The woman I love. A Jedi. My enemy. My destination._

"Then why in the maker's name would you hide it?" 

For the rest of the session, she simple measured, poked, and circled him, muttering to herself, while Ren tracked her mind and prepared for her to try and kill him. He wouldn't put it past Hux, to turn a dressmaker into an assassin and aside from Rey and the occasional medical droid, he was rarely unarmored. 

"I should have some samples for you tomorrow if I work through the night," she said decisively. 

"Do it." 

"As you wish, Supreme Leader," she executed another sweeping bow and exited in a swirl of color. 

"Lt. Walis," he called. 

"Have my things sent to the Supreme Leader's official quarters. Get me the records from the past thirty general council meetings. I have some catching up to do…please." 

"Yes, Supreme Leader!" 

MEANWHILE, AT A SECRET RESISTANCE BASE 

Rey ran for the small, rusting, loosely connected network of bunkers that housed all that remained of the Resistance, expecting to see white Storm Trooper armor threading through the dense foliage of the planet. 

Instead, she heard a voice pierce the air. Poe. 

"Just calm down, kid." 

Rey stuttered to a stop, sensing fear and sadness coming from a small crowd in front of the communications hub. Poe wasn't alone inside the circle of fighters, he was talking to someone with blonde hair. Blonde hair and holding a blaster to her temple. 

"Kaydel," Poe said softly. "Listen to me, put it down." 

Rey reached out to Leia – _come quickly, we need you._

Poe whispered to a young man behind him who took off at a run. He refocused. "Lt. Connix," he said. "Listen to me- " 

"No!" She shouted. "Listening to you is how we got in this fucking mess to begin with! Holdo is dead, Dameron. The Raddus is gone, fucking gone, do you get that, you arrogant piece of shit?! Our allies aren't coming and it's all our fault. _Your_ fucking fault," she suddenly pointed the blaster at him, her hand shaking in anger. 

"Whoa! Kay, hold on!" He raised his hands as the crowd panicked around them. 

Rey heard people start to whisper her name and blocked them out, trying to focus on Kaydel, trying to reach out to her or disarm her if necessary. 

"You're wrong," came a voice, gravelly with authority, seeming to part the crowd before it. 

"Don't you have some work to do?" Leia gently chided, startling the fighters out of their shock. They dispersed, some openly crying, others still numb. 

Soon, only Rey, Poe, Leia, and Kaydel remained- four points on the compass of their grief. 

"Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo was my friend," Leia said softly. "Neither she nor I blamed you for what happened. Would you presume to know better than us? Again?" she added pointedly. 

The blaster wavered, then moved to under the young woman's chin. 

"Too many losses, Kaydel. I don't want to lose you, too." 

Kaydel took a shuddering breath, and then burst into tears, the blaster by her side. Leia walked toward the sobbing fighter, gently took the blaster, and embraced her. She handed the weapon to Poe. 

"General, do you want me to -?" 

"No, thank you, Poe. You've done enough." 

Leia cupped Kaydel's face in her hands. "Let's go for a walk," she said. Kaydel nodded, her eyes still wet, and they slowly headed off to a cluster of woods. 

"I've done enough," he repeated. 

"Poe, I'm sure that's not what she meant." 

"Fine, whatever. Look, where the hell were you? I thought you would make it fly out of her hand or something," he said bitterly. "Big help you were," he said looking off at the path Leia and Kaydel had taken. 

"I couldn't figure out how to do it and I thought it might go off if I tried. I'm sorry but I don't why you're angry at me." 

"Forget it. Forget I said anything." He studied the ground and nudged some rusting metal with a muddy boot. "No, you know what? I am angry. Where were you? We needed you _here_ , Rey, we're cutting back on rations again, the X-Wings still won't fly and–" his brown eyes grew wide in fear and shock. "What in the everloving hell is around your waist?" 

"It belongs to Ben Solo," she said evenly. 

"Ben Solo? Oh, Ben Solo," he laughed. "You mean, Kylo fucking Ren? Is he here? Did you lead him here?" he was almost shouting now. 

"Calm down, Poe, it's not like that. He's not here." 

Poe dropped his voice to a whisper and held her gaze. "You're telling _me_ to calm down when your idea of a nap is to telepathically swap accessories with a psychopath? You're seriously telling me this? Rey, I know you think he's a good guy underneath all the genocide and," he paused, "torture, but I gotta tell you. Be sure, okay? Be sure it's not some Snoke-wannabe putting visions in your fucking head." He pointed at her temple in disgust. 

"Poe- stop," she warned. 

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I've done enough. Believe me, I fucking know," he said and walked off in the direction of the hangar.

"Poe, wait!" she called, but he ignored her, quickly disappearing into the shadows that held the Falcon and a few ships left over from the Rebellion. 

Rey started after him but thought better of it. She knew she wasn't the only one who'd been upset since the assault on Crait, her borrowed rage from Ben aside. Each day the X-Wings didn't fly, Poe's disposition soured, often only cheered by Finn's presence. When Rey joined them, he _seemed_ pleasant enough, but with a wary politeness that exasperated Finn in his efforts to bring his two closest friends together. 

She knew what it was - when she had briefed Leia on the general sequence of events in the throne room, (handily skipping over the torture since she knew Leia could sense it anyway) the help she'd gotten in killing Snoke, and the offer she'd received, Poe listened to everything, then walked to the door. 

"He tortured me," he said quietly and left the operations room. He hadn't mentioned it since and threw himself even more deeply into repairing the Rebellion ships, often forgoing food and drink unless Finn or Rey brought it to him. 

Now this. 

This darkness. This oh-so familiar hunger in the pit of her belly, the despair that grew with each unanswered aid beacon, each ignored plea. She was on a planet, scrounging it for food and parts, desperate to leave. But this was not Jakku. She was not alone. Here she had options – she could take the Falcon and go, but she never would. There were people here that she'd let into her heart; she wasn't willing to evict them to survive. 

Each day of helping get the disused water treatment systems going, each morning she spent meditating in her quarters listening to the sounds of sadness, laughter and love and work as well, the more she thought she'd found her family. Maz was right – just not about Luke. He wasn't her family; he helped her find it. She belonged here and seeing Poe's angry stride off to the hangar panicked her, because she knew she belonged with Ben (to him? Her mind wondered) as well. 

She wouldn't give up one family to be a part of the other. Love and kindness, tenderness and care – these were as fragile to Rey as the beginnings of an oasis palm, peeking out from the desert sand. Life giving and delicate. Needing protection. Poe was part of that other family, she should have been more careful with him, even at the distance he kept from her. 

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," she cursed herself, kicking the same bit of metal that Poe had been worrying at. 

Could he be right? Could all of that with Ben have been…a dream or someone else's plan? She had to entertain the thought. Poe was right, damn him. She had to be sure somehow. She owed it to all of them. Her heart felt strangely empty without the shadow of the link over it, entirely her own again, but a strange emptiness that mirrored the suppressed growls of her stomach. 

Ordinarily, the bunkers would be alight with activity- people walking hand in hand, animated storytelling, drinking (Rey discovered, much to the delight of the Resistance, that her mechanical skills extended to rudimentary distillery repair- the stuff was vile, she only drank it to be polite) and planning. Always planning. Always another beacon to send, a message, a code, a cipher to use, news of the First Order to pass on. Now, the camp was eerily silent. 

"Let him go, Rey." Leia said from behind her 

"Leia! Is everything okay? Where's…?" 

"Everything is fine. We'll just be pulling Lt. Connix from active duty for a little while. She needs a break. We all do." 

Rey nodded, made a note to keep silent, then blurted out anyway, "I've seen Ben." She wished she could take the words back as soon as she said them. 

Leia looked only momentarily discomfited. "How is he?" 

"He wants…he doesn't know what he wants." 

"Besides you, of course." 

Rey blushed, unsettled. She didn't expect tears or enthusiastic applause but this calm apathy was unnerving. 

"I see." 

"General, he will turn to the light side. I know it. I _will_ bring him here." 

"In chains?" Leah asked. 

"What? No, of course not!" 

"Of course not," Leia repeated. "Everyone in the Resistance has lost someone they love because of him. Do you honestly believe you could bring him back here and put him to work? Poe isn't the only one who's suffered at his hands." 

"I…I thought I could worry about one thing at a time. Leia, our bond has been open this whole time. I felt his grief, his guilt. Your son is alive!" Rey smiled shyly at the memory of their kiss. 

Leia reached out for Rey's hand. " _My_ son is the Supreme Leader of the First Order, Rey. What matters now is getting us enough food to last another month. You think the allies we so desperately need would be thrilled by the arrival of the Supreme Leader here? They would trust us even less than they do now, if that's possible." Leia waved away the cynicism of her last remark. 

"Forgive me, Rey. He's just taken so much from me. From all of us." 

"I…I thought you would be happy, Leia." Rey was dumbfounded, embarrassed. 

"Rey, how _can_ I be? What makes me happy now is that Finn is coming back with the hunting party and…they found food," she smiled wanly. "At least I think, it's food – he feels such joy when he's coming back to you." 

"I feel the same," Rey beamed, secretly glad for the change of subject. 

"No, Rey. You don't." Leia wanly patted her hand and made her way toward the hangar.


	9. There's engine oil in your beard

Poe stood alone in the cold, cavernous hangar and he preferred it that way. No magic powers, nobody looking at him like he walked on air or alternatively, no one looking at him like a barely domesticated howler that might snap and bite them (once a traitor, always a traitor he'd heard them say and he couldn't blame them. Hell, he even agreed with them.) Here, no one's eyes filled with tears of disappointment, and above all, there was no one person in particular, definitely not a former Storm Trooper for example, looking at Rey with eyes like saucers. 

"Fuel? Check" 

"Cryo power cell? Check." 

"Fusial thrust? That's also a check." 

"Nav system?" 

BB-8 spun to look at Poe. 

"That's a check, little buddy." 

The droid buzzed excitedly, eager for the chance to help get the ship in the air. 

The ships seemed to have everything they needed, but only one out of the motley group of X-Wings, Y-Wings, and even a lone, severely battle scarred A-Wing was even nominally operational. Poe had forbid anyone from flying the X-Wing until he was sure it was space-worthy. He stood in front of the opened engine, a small mechanic's lamp hanging from the ship. 

"S-Foil, maybe?" he murmured, rooting around absentmindedly in the tool box next to him. This ship was their best bet thus far; it could at least fly…sort of…but it hadn't been able to shift into attack position, much to his unpleasant surprise. When he tried to get it into position again, the engine cut out. So, yes, not space-worthy by a long shot but it had at least given that taste of speed that he loved before he moved from admiring the fast-moving landscape to admiring the landscape's most viable crash zones. They'd dragged it back to the hangar and there it had sat, stubbornly refusing to work for most of a month. 

"I should check the servomotor again," he said to BB-8, who beeped acquiescence before heading off on errands of its own. 

"That's a good idea, Captain," came a voice from the hangar's entrance. 

His shoulders immediately tensed as he turned to see his commanding officer, lingering at the doorway. 

"Thank you, General," he called and turned back to his work, the most polite dismissal he could get away with. 

"Have you eaten?" she asked, knowing the game he was playing and simply choosing to ignore it. 

"Not hungry." 

"Poe-" 

"I should really get back to this," he said gesturing to the exposed engine. "Need to earn my keep around here." 

"You've earned your keep a thousand times over in the eyes of the Resistance," she said from behind his shoulder. 

He threw the Harris wrench back into the toolbox and spun to face her. "You know something? No. You can say all you want that this isn't my fault but it is, okay? It is. We wouldn't be on this stupid rock going slowly hungry while the universe burns, if I hadn't…if I hadn't done what I did. All those people died because of me. The bombers, the Raddus – so don’t insult my intelligence by pretending I'm not responsible." He pushed his hair back out away from his face. "Okay if I get back to work?" 

"Of course you're responsible, Poe," Leia said mildly. 

"Wait, what?" He'd had nightmares about this moment since his dreadnought disaster, that this woman he admired, who he'd follow anywhere, whose cause he'd die for, that she would tear him apart. Name him a traitor. Leia had never been a commander to hold her tongue when it came to arrogant pilots, but this was one of many things that kept him eating little and drinking whatever he could find (it was vile but it burned in a way that made the nights easier) and seeking solace in machines instead of people. Except for Finn. Finn was different and he and Rey were a package deal, so that was that. 

"You, Finn, Rose, Kaydel. You're all responsible." _This is it, she's sending me away_

Leia looked into his shocked face, gently stroked the cheek she'd slapped what seemed ages ago, and added, "as am I. And Amilyn." 

"But…you told Kaydel that-" 

"I told her that we don't _blame_ her," Leia corrected him. 

He rubbed his engine oil-streaked hands over his face in frustration, "Right- political manipulation, saying the right thing at the right time. I don't think the people who died, the people who I killed, would care about the distinction between blame and responsibility." 

He took a step back and looked at her suspiciously. "Did you even actually talk her down or did you –" he held his hand up and made it into a claw, mimicking Kylo Ren and turned back to the engine. "'Cause if you're going to go around mind-whammying people, you should give us a head's up, okay?" 

"Are you asking if I used the force on Kaydel without her permission?" 

He swallowed nervously, but still gave her his back. "No, General, I guess I'm not." 

"Good. I didn't, you know. But she and I did have an eerily similar conversation to the one we're having right now before I removed her from active duty for a while. Perhaps, we need to do the same for you?" 

His temper broke like a fever and he grabbed her by the forearms in a panic. "Leia, please, no. The quiet kills me. We've been running for so long, and hiding and I just need to keep busy, okay? And since I'm one of the best mechanics we've got, _you_ want me to keep busy too." He felt like he couldn't catch his breath until she told him her decision. 

"Why did you do it?" she pressed him and he dropped his hands as if burned. 

"Does it matter now?" he countered, his heart beating so loudly he was sure she could hear it. Suddenly his small mechanic's light seemed too bright, everything seemed too bright- 

Leia reached passed him and turned off the light and simply waited in the dark with him. 

"Fine," he turned back to the engine he could barely see. "I was arrogant. Because I never met a problem I couldn't fly my way out of, never met an impossible escape that I couldn't manage. And I betrayed Holdo because if she were a traitor, then I wouldn't have to live with my mistake." He covered his eyes with his hands and waited for Leia to condemn him but she remained silent, watching him. 

"I didn't believe they could actually track us through light speed," he confessed. "I thought she gave the First Order our coordinates." 

"You thought I would trust a traitor," Leia said amazed. 

He laughed grimly. "Have you seen your family tree lately?" 

Leia cocked her head. "Fair point." 

"Blame, responsibility- whatever. Paige is dead, Holdo is dead and hundreds of others are dead because I, because I hate running and I hate being wrong." 

"Have you talked to anyone about this?" 

"What? No." 

"Not Rose or F-" 

"Are you kidding me? Rose? She's always in Resistance-hero worship mode whenever she sees me. I don't even think she'd let herself be angry." 

Leia raised an eyebrow, a small smile playing across her lips. 

"You might be surprised, Captain." 

"Are you serious? She's been talking shit about me?" 

Leia nodded, her eyes sparkling. "Big time," she pronounced. 

"I'll be damned. Good for her." 

"Talk to her, Poe," she urged. "If for nothing else, than to apologize. We can't change the past. We can only move forward with what we have. And we have you. Poe, you're not a force user. You're a grounded pilot, a failed mutineer, and one hell of a mechanic. Pick one, and go with it." She nodded toward the ship. "That X-Wing isn't going to fix itself, is it?" 

"No, ma'am!" he said and switched the light back on, feeling more clear-headed than he had since the dreadnought. 

She smiled and walked toward the door, now filled with starlight. 

"Thank you, Leia," he said, still facing the ship. 

"There's engine oil in your beard," she observed drily. "Clean it, shave it, or-" 

"Or go with it, I got it." He picked up the wrench and went back to work.

***


	10. Hunger pangs

The smell of freshly cooked meat permeated the miasma of sweat and oil and that clung to Poe in the night-chilled hangar. Each echoing footstep brought a little more of a smile to his face. He'd know those footsteps anywhere.  


"You gonna eat something or what?"  


Poe turned to find Finn waggling a rather large plate of savory food, real food in front of his face. He closed his eyes, taking in the smell of the food, the campfire smoke, and the part that was just Finn himself.  


"You already eat?" Poe checked.  


Finn looked momentarily guilty. "Of course! Plenty to go around – just so much food, wow, I'm just so stuffed already."  


Poe just watched him.  


Finn glanced around warily. "Okay, okay. I…haven't eaten yet. There _is_ a lot of food but it's not enough to go around. A couple of us are going to…we chose to…look, we'll eat tomorrow, okay? You're looking at a pretty good hunter here," he buffed his dirty fingernails on his ragged jacket.  


"Take it, Poe," he urged. "Please." Poe's mouth watered.  


"I will you if you split it with me." Finn's cheerful attitude couldn't quite mask the increasing hollowness of his cheeks or his thinning frame.  


Finn frowned. "Man, you've been giving away most of your rations for weeks. Just _enjoy_ this. You're not looking so good, Poe."  


Poe's focus snapped from the plate to Finn's face. "If your plan is to flatter me into taking that plate, you suck at it, buddy."  


"You've lost weight, Poe; you hardly sleep!" He pointed at Poe's face, "you're going gray."  


"Did I mention how much you suck at this?"  


"Just eat," Finn held out the plate again.  


"Not without you," Poe said jutting his chin out.  


"Okay, fine. If you're going to be difficult about this, fine." Finn scooped up a piece of meat from the plate and made a show of chewing it as he sat down on the floor.  


Poe tore his eyes away from the sheen of grease on Finn's lips and made short work of his portion. Sitting cross-legged with Finn, eating by the light of his mechanic's lamp, Poe almost felt happy. He scraped his hand over his beard. "Leia told me to shave it off, or at least get the engine oil out of it."  


"I like the beard," Finn said around a mouthful of food.  


"Oh, yeah?"  


"Yeah. I was never allowed to grow one. It makes you look…distinguished."  


"Distinguished," he said thoughtfully. "That a fancy way of saying 'old'?"  


"Well, I like it," Finn said.  


Poe paused. "Then it stays. Although maybe without the engine oil. There's dust and grime on the insides of these engines that’s older than I am." He looked back up at the exposed engine.  


"More _distinguished_ than you, you mean?" Finn grinned.  


"Smart ass," Poe growled. "So what am I eating?" he asked.  


"Does it taste good?" Finn countered.  


"Yeah."  


"Then don't worry about it," Finn grinned as Poe belched contentedly. "See?"  


Finn studied the empty plate and his expression suddenly soured. He cleared his throat. "I heard about Connix."  


The meal turned heavy in Poe's stomach.  


"Are you okay?"  


Poe stood up, knees popping. "What's it matter? She's the one who almost blew her brains out."  


"Hey!" Finn said sharply. "It matters to _me_. _You_ matter to me." 

Poe's heart sped up in his chest –  


"And to Rey," Finn continued. "She told me what you said to her – you had no right, to do that, Poe!"

Looking down on Finn, Poe's anger and the urge to defend himself vanished in an instant. "You're right. You're right, buddy. I was angry. Not angry...I don't know what I was." 

"Rey has saved our asses more times than I can count!" Finn interjected, getting to his feet. 

"I know, buddy. I know. I'll apologize." 

"You have to actually talk to someone to apologize. You know that, right?" 

"I know. I'll talk to her, okay? What else do you want me to say?" 

"Tell me why you're so weird about...this." 

Poe froze again. "This?" he asked innocently, turning back to the X-wing. 

Finn fell silent behind him as Poe considered what to say, how to respond. How much truth to tell. 

"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Finn asked quietly. 

"What?" Poe whirled around, shocked. 

"Look, I saw her first!" 

"Saw her first, what the hell, Finn!? You can't claim someone just because you saw them!" 

"Fine! Then I'm claiming her right now." 

"Finn, you can't _claim_ someone! When you love somebody, Finn, you want what's best for them, no matter who..." he trailed off. "No matter who it's with." He looked into Finn's dark eyes, wanting more than anything to feel Finn's body against his, tell him everything he'd ached to since he realized Finn had survived the tiefighter crash. 

"When you love really someone," he said slowly, "you want them to be happy more than you want to be with them." 

"Yeah, I'm not buyin' it," Finn said. "You just want her for yourself! And I just want something of my own." 

"She's not a thing-" 

"Finn, you in here?" Rey called from the hangar door. "Oh!" she stopped, seeing Poe. "I'll come back later." 

"Nope, no need, we can go now," Finn said striding toward her. 

"No," she said. "Actually, I want to apologize" 

"What?" both men said in unison. 

"May I talk to you, Poe?" 

"Uhhh...sure," he said cautiously. Rey seemed relieved and only then walked toward him, his mechanics lamp casting strange shadows across her face. 

"You have every right to be angry, Poe. When I thought about B-"she stopped herself. "When I thought about Kylo Ren, I was focusing on our connection. I wasn't thinking about what he did to people." Poe swallowed nervously. "People I care about. Family. I wasn't thinking about what he did to you -" 

"Wait, to who now?" Finn interjected. 

They both ignored him. "Because then I'd have to think about what he...what Snoke," her voice broke, "did to me." 

"Rey-" 

"I won't forget again," she said. 

Poe was struck by her sincerity, the goodness he could feel coming off her in waves. 

_I hate how good you are_

"I was out of line," he said. "There's no excuse for it." 

Finn cleared his throat again. "Okay, great, now can we go?" He awkwardly inserted himself between the two of them as Rey and Poe nodded. 

"Let's grab a drink," Finn offered. "Your fearless hunters brought back a little something that should make the alcohol taste less like -" 

"Poison?" Rey observed. 

"X-wing fuel?" Poe laughed. "Buddy, if you brought back something that can make that sludge taste good - well, let's just say you became my favorite person. Let me just wrap up here." 

He hung back a little bit, watching as Finn and Rey started chatting. How easy they were with one another. How Finn's eyes drifted to hers again and again. 

_You want them to be happy more than you want to be with them_

***


End file.
